Are you becoming a better Sport Parent?

We take our DDs to lots of practices with the hope that they learn and get better at the beautiful game and sportsmanship, learning valuable lessons about life and competition along the way. We take them to lots of games, we buy lots of under armor, we pay for lots of skills sessions, we spend a lot in tolls and gas, and we invest a small fortune in our time. Our kids respond -- they try hard to please, they are better this year than last, and will undoubtedly be better next year than they are now.

But are we "sports parents" getting better too? Are we focused at improving ourselves? Are we learning important lessons?

I ran into this really good article and found it well worth the read. I hope that you take the 3 minutes and read it too, before rushing off to this weekend's matches:

What Makes A Nightmare Sports Parent -- And What Makes A Great One
http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/more-family-fun/201202/what-makes-nightmare-sports-parent

Let us all get a little better week over week, just as we hope our kids will too.


(If you can't click on the link, the forum has some 'feature' that only allow members that are logged on to click on links -- I have provided the copy and paste version for those that visit only as not-logged-in guests)

deepthoughts wrote:We take our DDs to lots of practices with the hope that they learn and get better at the beautiful game and sportsmanship, learning valuable lessons about life and competition along the way. We take them to lots of games, we buy lots of under armor, we pay for lots of skills sessions, we spend a lot in tolls and gas, and we invest a small fortune in our time. Our kids respond -- they try hard to please, they are better this year than last, and will undoubtedly be better next year than they are now.

But are we "sports parents" getting better too? Are we focused at improving ourselves? Are we learning important lessons?

I ran into this really good article and found it well worth the read. I hope that you take the 3 minutes and read it too, before rushing off to this weekend's matches:



Let us all get a little better week over week, just as we hope our kids will too.


(If you can't click on the link, the forum has some 'feature' that only allow members that are logged on to click on links -- I have provided the copy and paste version for those that visit only as not-logged-in guests)

That is a GREAT Article. Kuddos to you Deep Thoughts for sharing this, not to mention reading it in 3 minutes....

I personally got a lot from the article. I hope others do as well, I do think that the more rational of the parents though are the parents of multiple children, that is to say...they are more rational after being an irrational parent with the first! Long ago, my older child had a mom on the team that tried really hard to instill a team motto with the group, she came up with a slogan, which was something along the lines of... Great game.. Hug, high five (whatever it is you do) then ask your player - where do you want to go eat? Win or Lose, just decompress,then talk later. I admit that I only sorta got the concept back then, but now I really get it. Our kids play there hearts out, they do it for themselves, yet have to constantly worry about letting someone down. I do LOVE watching my DD play, and I would be crushed if one day she came to me and said, I don't want to play and that reason had nothing to do with the actual sport!

Thanks again for sharing - We can all do better!

deepthoughts wrote:We take our DDs to lots of practices with the hope that they learn and get better at the beautiful game and sportsmanship, learning valuable lessons about life and competition along the way. We take them to lots of games, we buy lots of under armor, we pay for lots of skills sessions, we spend a lot in tolls and gas, and we invest a small fortune in our time. Our kids respond -- they try hard to please, they are better this year than last, and will undoubtedly be better next year than they are now.

But are we "sports parents" getting better too? Are we focused at improving ourselves? Are we learning important lessons?

I ran into this really good article and found it well worth the read. I hope that you take the 3 minutes and read it too, before rushing off to this weekend's matches:

What Makes A Nightmare Sports Parent -- And What Makes A Great One
http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/more-family-fun/201202/what-makes-nightmare-sports-parent

Let us all get a little better week over week, just as we hope our kids will too.


(If you can't click on the link, the forum has some 'feature' that only allow members that are logged on to click on links -- I have provided the copy and paste version for those that visit only as not-logged-in guests)

So, does that mean that breaking down game film with my DD on the the family mini-van video system as my wife drives us home from the game is not good sports parenting?

oldboot wrote:

deepthoughts wrote:We take our DDs to lots of practices with the hope that they learn and get better at the beautiful game and sportsmanship, learning valuable lessons about life and competition along the way. We take them to lots of games, we buy lots of under armor, we pay for lots of skills sessions, we spend a lot in tolls and gas, and we invest a small fortune in our time. Our kids respond -- they try hard to please, they are better this year than last, and will undoubtedly be better next year than they are now.

But are we "sports parents" getting better too? Are we focused at improving ourselves? Are we learning important lessons?

I ran into this really good article and found it well worth the read. I hope that you take the 3 minutes and read it too, before rushing off to this weekend's matches:

What Makes A Nightmare Sports Parent -- And What Makes A Great One
http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/more-family-fun/201202/what-makes-nightmare-sports-parent

Let us all get a little better week over week, just as we hope our kids will too.


(If you can't click on the link, the forum has some 'feature' that only allow members that are logged on to click on links -- I have provided the copy and paste version for those that visit only as not-logged-in guests)

So, does that mean that breaking down game film with my DD on the the family mini-van video system as my wife drives us home from the game is not good sports parenting?

Winning!

article wrote:Hundreds of college athletes were asked to think back: "What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?"

Their overwhelming response: "The ride home from games with my parents."

The overwhelming majority of college athletes have in common that their parents chewed them out on the car ride home from games?

That doesn't provide much incentive to change.

Over the Top wrote:

deepthoughts wrote:We take our DDs to lots of practices with the hope that they learn and get better at the beautiful game and sportsmanship, learning valuable lessons about life and competition along the way. We take them to lots of games, we buy lots of under armor, we pay for lots of skills sessions, we spend a lot in tolls and gas, and we invest a small fortune in our time. Our kids respond -- they try hard to please, they are better this year than last, and will undoubtedly be better next year than they are now.

But are we "sports parents" getting better too? Are we focused at improving ourselves? Are we learning important lessons?

I ran into this really good article and found it well worth the read. I hope that you take the 3 minutes and read it too, before rushing off to this weekend's matches:



Let us all get a little better week over week, just as we hope our kids will too.


(If you can't click on the link, the forum has some 'feature' that only allow members that are logged on to click on links -- I have provided the copy and paste version for those that visit only as not-logged-in guests)

That is a GREAT Article. Kuddos to you Deep Thoughts for sharing this, not to mention reading it in 3 minutes....

I personally got a lot from the article. I hope others do as well, I do think that the more rational of the parents though are the parents of multiple children, that is to say...they are more rational after being an irrational parent with the first! Long ago, my older child had a mom on the team that tried really hard to instill a team motto with the group, she came up with a slogan, which was something along the lines of... Great game.. Hug, high five (whatever it is you do) then ask your player - where do you want to go eat? Win or Lose, just decompress,then talk later. I admit that I only sorta got the concept back then, but now I really get it. Our kids play there hearts out, they do it for themselves, yet have to constantly worry about letting someone down. I do LOVE watching my DD play, and I would be crushed if one day she came to me and said, I don't want to play and that reason had nothing to do with the actual sport!

Thanks again for sharing - We can all do better!

Amen!!

oldboot wrote:

deepthoughts wrote:We take our DDs to lots of practices with the hope that they learn and get better at the beautiful game and sportsmanship, learning valuable lessons about life and competition along the way. We take them to lots of games, we buy lots of under armor, we pay for lots of skills sessions, we spend a lot in tolls and gas, and we invest a small fortune in our time. Our kids respond -- they try hard to please, they are better this year than last, and will undoubtedly be better next year than they are now.

But are we "sports parents" getting better too? Are we focused at improving ourselves? Are we learning important lessons?

I ran into this really good article and found it well worth the read. I hope that you take the 3 minutes and read it too, before rushing off to this weekend's matches:

What Makes A Nightmare Sports Parent -- And What Makes A Great One
http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/more-family-fun/201202/what-makes-nightmare-sports-parent

Let us all get a little better week over week, just as we hope our kids will too.


(If you can't click on the link, the forum has some 'feature' that only allow members that are logged on to click on links -- I have provided the copy and paste version for those that visit only as not-logged-in guests)

So, does that mean that breaking down game film with my DD on the the family mini-van video system as my wife drives us home from the game is not good sports parenting?

Depends, are you pausing it and doing a John Madden with a dry erase marker? Then maybe....

BastaYa! wrote:

article wrote:Hundreds of college athletes were asked to think back: "What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?"

Their overwhelming response: "The ride home from games with my parents."

The overwhelming majority of college athletes have in common that their parents chewed them out on the car ride home from games?

That doesn't provide much incentive to change.

Are we talking Division I college athletes or Division III?

My 18 year old DD is a freshman--plays for a small DI college. I'm guessing she would definitely agree with that statement about annoying parental "discussions" on the rides home. But, we are still aiming to go the "what do you want to eat?" route with our youngest DDs (02 and 04).

Our 04 is almost like having an exact replica of the oldest by way of personality, drive levels, etc. Therefore, if we manage to successfully keep our mouths shut for the most part, we will be able to make an educated guess as to whether it makes a difference one way or another by looking at the school (if any) the youngest attends to play soccer. I will report back in 10 years on this experiment.

so do the people who write these articles ever read what they write? Seems like a case of looking at data and then presenting a conclusion that they had before they started. So the top athlete may not have enjoyed the post game breakdown but they made it to the higher levels of play. The flip side is the juice box parents kids did not. I am certianly not for beating a kid down after the game, it makes them afraid to make mistakes. However a simple, calm "remeber when this happened?" etc. It is much easier to recognize situations and opportunites when you are not playing. It is your ability to recognize, process, and make the right choice in those situations that make you a better player. The idea that you could tell a kid days later is rediculous. They have the memory of goldfish. By the time the car ride is over they will have moved on and forgot most of what happened and moved on. Great article but not supported by their own "facts"

soccerinsane wrote:My 18 year old DD is a freshman--plays for a small DI college. I'm guessing she would definitely agree with that statement about annoying parental "discussions" on the rides home. But, we are still aiming to go the "what do you want to eat?" route with our youngest DDs (02 and 04).

Our 04 is almost like having an exact replica of the oldest by way of personality, drive levels, etc. Therefore, if we manage to successfully keep our mouths shut for the most part, we will be able to make an educated guess as to whether it makes a difference one way or another by looking at the school (if any) the youngest attends to play soccer. I will report back in 10 years on this experiment.

In case it is not apparent, 95% of what I post is meant to be humourous (or at least NOT serious).

Truthfully, I think the article and the advice it gives makes sense and is consistent with what I've experienced. My DD's desire to talk about what happened at the game seems to depend in large measure on whether or not the game went well from HER perspective. Just like grown-ups, kids aren't fired-up to talk about what they "did wrong." However, discussions about a post game treat are ALWAYS enthusiastically received.

My old bb is more than capable of breaking a game down and discussing what he saw and what he was trying to do. I have seen him make visable adjustments on mistakes. Of course he is much happier to have that discussion on a game he did very well on. My 04 DD is really only happy to hear about all the wonderfull things she did or the things her brother didn't do well.

oldboot wrote:

soccerinsane wrote:My 18 year old DD is a freshman--plays for a small DI college. I'm guessing she would definitely agree with that statement about annoying parental "discussions" on the rides home. But, we are still aiming to go the "what do you want to eat?" route with our youngest DDs (02 and 04).

Our 04 is almost like having an exact replica of the oldest by way of personality, drive levels, etc. Therefore, if we manage to successfully keep our mouths shut for the most part, we will be able to make an educated guess as to whether it makes a difference one way or another by looking at the school (if any) the youngest attends to play soccer. I will report back in 10 years on this experiment.

In case it is not apparent, 95% of what I post is meant to be humourous (or at least NOT serious).

Truthfully, I think the article and the advice it gives makes sense and is consistent with what I've experienced. My DD's desire to talk about what happened at the game seems to depend in large measure on whether or not the game went well from HER perspective. Just like grown-ups, kids aren't fired-up to talk about what they "did wrong." However, discussions about a post game treat are ALWAYS enthusiastically received.

Totally agree! I assumed you were kidding--and thought it was funny Although I am only party kidding on our "experiment" in that I'm not sure I can make it 10 years only saying "where do you want to eat?" Definitely need more practice, but I'm working on it! I think that the article is a great reminder to me to at least put forth the effort to not go completely over the top.

go99 wrote:so do the people who write these articles ever read what they write? Seems like a case of looking at data and then presenting a conclusion that they had before they started. So the top athlete may not have enjoyed the post game breakdown but they made it to the higher levels of play. The flip side is the juice box parents kids did not. I am certianly not for beating a kid down after the game, it makes them afraid to make mistakes. However a simple, calm "remeber when this happened?" etc. It is much easier to recognize situations and opportunites when you are not playing. It is your ability to recognize, process, and make the right choice in those situations that make you a better player. The idea that you could tell a kid days later is rediculous. They have the memory of goldfish. By the time the car ride is over they will have moved on and forgot most of what happened and moved on. Great article but not supported by their own "facts"

Every kid is different and I'm certainly not in a position to argue with you about what works with your kid. For my DD, giving her some time and space has generally been more productive (and pleasant) than telling her what I saw and think as we drive away from the field. Most of the time she's already gotten feed back (along with rest of the team) from her coach and feels like I'm piling on if I offer further "post game analysis."

Of course this assumes a parent actually knows what they are talking about. The problem I see with coaches (other than most are terrible) is that they have their own team objective and a number of players to watch. I have 1 kid to watch and am only concerned with how she plays and learns and improves. I find that most coach talks center around what the team did not her. I do think there is a productive way to talk to a kid about what happened and see if they can figure things out BTW yelling and berating is not that way. Which I often do see

I remeber reading and article from david beckham. He talked about remebering his dad always talking to him after the game correcting his mistakes. He even remembered after and early game at ManU in front of thousands getting a call from his dad telling him about the mistake he made. There does seem to be a common thread running

go99 wrote:I remeber reading and article from david beckham. He talked about remebering his dad always talking to him after the game correcting his mistakes. He even remembered after and early game at ManU in front of thousands getting a call from his dad telling him about the mistake he made. There does seem to be a common thread running

I think Over the Top is a better parent than go99. At least he/she got his/her donkey out of the well.

lol nice!

I often think of a Sports Illustrated story about one of my childhood heroes - George Brett, which describes his relationship with his father:

"The youngest of four sons in a baseball-crazy family, George was subject to constant comparison with his brothers, usually by his stern and demanding father, and seldom to his advantage. Jack Brett was a baseball father, as intolerant of failure as any stage mother. To him, 0 for 3 in a Little League game was the adolescent equivalent of bankruptcy. "I hated my father," says George (he doesn't anymore), and it seems he had reason."

There is no question that Brett's father played a part in his development into one of the greatest baseball players that ever played the game. I've wondered though whether his dad had any regrets about the relationships that resulted from pushing his kids the way he did.

oldboot wrote:I often think of a Sports Illustrated story about one of my childhood heroes - George Brett, which describes his relationship with his father:

"The youngest of four sons in a baseball-crazy family, George was subject to constant comparison with his brothers, usually by his stern and demanding father, and seldom to his advantage. Jack Brett was a baseball father, as intolerant of failure as any stage mother. To him, 0 for 3 in a Little League game was the adolescent equivalent of bankruptcy. "I hated my father," says George (he doesn't anymore), and it seems he had reason."

There is no question that Brett's father played a part in his development into one of the greatest baseball players that ever played the game. I've wondered though whether his dad had any regrets about the relationships that resulted from pushing his kids the way he did.

Interesting - I love to hear the success stories. However, reality is that there are countless stories of just the opposite.

Over the Top wrote:

oldboot wrote:I often think of a Sports Illustrated story about one of my childhood heroes - George Brett, which describes his relationship with his father:

"The youngest of four sons in a baseball-crazy family, George was subject to constant comparison with his brothers, usually by his stern and demanding father, and seldom to his advantage. Jack Brett was a baseball father, as intolerant of failure as any stage mother. To him, 0 for 3 in a Little League game was the adolescent equivalent of bankruptcy. "I hated my father," says George (he doesn't anymore), and it seems he had reason."

There is no question that Brett's father played a part in his development into one of the greatest baseball players that ever played the game. I've wondered though whether his dad had any regrets about the relationships that resulted from pushing his kids the way he did.

Interesting - I love to hear the success stories. However, reality is that there are countless stories of just the opposite.

Who knows whether this is an accurate portrayal of what he really thinks, but a more recent article about George Brett and his high-school aged sons suggests that Brett doesn't treat his kids the way he was treated by his father:

George has always been active in Dylan's athletic career, coaching all three of his sons' baseball teams up until the beginning of their high school careers. The three-time batting champion, along with his wife and Dylan's mother Leslie, supported Dylan and his brothers in whatever other endeavors they have pursued athletically.

Despite the success George Brett has achieved professionally, he does not make a habit of interfering with the counsel of Dylan's coaches. George just wants his boys to respect the game, and have fun playing.

"Fight and do the best that you can," George said. "I'm not going to get on them or gripe or anything like that, as long as the effort is there. That's all that I can ask of them. It may have been easier for me in this and that. But if they hustle 100-percent of the time on the field, that's all that I can ask of my kids. Dylan does that, and so does Jackson. Robin does too."

oldboot wrote:

Over the Top wrote:

oldboot wrote:I often think of a Sports Illustrated story about one of my childhood heroes - George Brett, which describes his relationship with his father:

"The youngest of four sons in a baseball-crazy family, George was subject to constant comparison with his brothers, usually by his stern and demanding father, and seldom to his advantage. Jack Brett was a baseball father, as intolerant of failure as any stage mother. To him, 0 for 3 in a Little League game was the adolescent equivalent of bankruptcy. "I hated my father," says George (he doesn't anymore), and it seems he had reason."

There is no question that Brett's father played a part in his development into one of the greatest baseball players that ever played the game. I've wondered though whether his dad had any regrets about the relationships that resulted from pushing his kids the way he did.

Interesting - I love to hear the success stories. However, reality is that there are countless stories of just the opposite.

Who knows whether this is an accurate portrayal of what he really thinks, but a more recent article about George Brett and his high-school aged sons suggests that Brett doesn't treat his kids the way he was treated by his father:

George has always been active in Dylan's athletic career, coaching all three of his sons' baseball teams up until the beginning of their high school careers. The three-time batting champion, along with his wife and Dylan's mother Leslie, supported Dylan and his brothers in whatever other endeavors they have pursued athletically.

Despite the success George Brett has achieved professionally, he does not make a habit of interfering with the counsel of Dylan's coaches. George just wants his boys to respect the game, and have fun playing.

"Fight and do the best that you can," George said. "I'm not going to get on them or gripe or anything like that, as long as the effort is there. That's all that I can ask of them. It may have been easier for me in this and that. But if they hustle 100-percent of the time on the field, that's all that I can ask of my kids. Dylan does that, and so does Jackson. Robin does too."

Amen!

I don't think the point is to never give your kid tips and encouragement. Calm, encouraging, individual coaching can be very important in the development of your DD.

A common problem I see is extreme "coaching" by parents right before the game, during the game, and right after the game. It is never a good (long-term) idea to tell the kid to watch their offsides line, or to open up wide, or to not dive in on every play -- they need to think for themselves and they will not learn it well when getting peppered with sideline commands. It is never a good idea to tell your DD to do one thing while the coach wants her to do something else. How many times do you hear parents scream "shoot it, shoot it" and then watch a panicky 10 year old shoot way too early and waste the golden opportunity? Encourage yes, but don't try to take the spot of the coach during games.

I love coaches that don't coach much during the game, preferring to teach at practice. The kids learn to think during the heat of the battle. It really makes a fantastic difference. But how many coaches have parents that cooperate when he or she tries this idea?

Girls are MUCH more self-aware than boys. Boys often have to be reminded that they just lost the game while girls remember the one time they stumbled and let their teammates down weeks after the moment. I find it difficult to tell my kid "Great game" and not include a "but, I wish you would have..." Unfortunately, that one little "but" phrase is what sticks in her head and all the praise evaporates. Yet the goal is confidence, isn't it? Confidence is far more important than any one "tip" from dad!

I decided that my pregame pep talk now only includes one item to focus on and that's it. I limit my comments to 30 seconds. I always end it with "do your best and have a lot of fun..." I try to not coach her at all from the sideline, but wow that's hard, especially when its not going well. I am guilty of the post-game debrief, but my plan is to avoid it completely for the next 6 weeks and see how it goes. It sure seems worth the experiment.

The faulty logic in some of the posts above is the assumption that hard-core parent pressure is the core reason why some kids became college athletes. I am sure that a lot of planets aligned -- God given talent, good coaches, a bit of luck, willing parents, the right time and place -- for kids to arrive as college superstars. There is no reason to believe that hard core parent pressure alone "created" a few great athletes but I'm 100% sure that such pressure hurt the parent-child relationship of hundreds of thousands of kids who quit organized sports before they turned 21.

All you have to do if look at the US Women National Team to realize that there is not one girl on it from Texas. You then will come to grips with the astronomical odds of your kid being the one that makes it. You also might realize that a fantastic relationship with that girl who will soon be a confident, independent young woman is far, far more important.

Decide to be a great sports parent! Work at it. Practice it. Your DD will be better for it.

deepthoughts wrote:I don't think the point is to never give your kid tips and encouragement. Calm, encouraging, individual coaching can be very important in the development of your DD.

A common problem I see is extreme "coaching" by parents right before the game, during the game, and right after the game. It is never a good (long-term) idea to tell the kid to watch their offsides line, or to open up wide, or to not dive in on every play -- they need to think for themselves and they will not learn it well when getting peppered with sideline commands. It is never a good idea to tell your DD to do one thing while the coach wants her to do something else. How many times do you hear parents scream "shoot it, shoot it" and then watch a panicky 10 year old shoot way too early and waste the golden opportunity? Encourage yes, but don't try to take the spot of the coach during games.

I love coaches that don't coach much during the game, preferring to teach at practice. The kids learn to think during the heat of the battle. It really makes a fantastic difference. But how many coaches have parents that cooperate when he or she tries this idea?

Girls are MUCH more self-aware than boys. Boys often have to be reminded that they just lost the game while girls remember the one time they stumbled and let their teammates down weeks after the moment. I find it difficult to tell my kid "Great game" and not include a "but, I wish you would have..." Unfortunately, that one little "but" phrase is what sticks in her head and all the praise evaporates. Yet the goal is confidence, isn't it? Confidence is far more important than any one "tip" from dad!

I decided that my pregame pep talk now only includes one item to focus on and that's it. I limit my comments to 30 seconds. I always end it with "do your best and have a lot of fun..." I try to not coach her at all from the sideline, but wow that's hard, especially when its not going well. I am guilty of the post-game debrief, but my plan is to avoid it completely for the next 6 weeks and see how it goes. It sure seems worth the experiment.

The faulty logic in some of the posts above is the assumption that hard-core parent pressure is the core reason why some kids became college athletes. I am sure that a lot of planets aligned -- God given talent, good coaches, a bit of luck, willing parents, the right time and place -- for kids to arrive as college superstars. There is no reason to believe that hard core parent pressure alone "created" a few great athletes but I'm 100% sure that such pressure hurt the parent-child relationship of hundreds of thousands of kids who quit organized sports before they turned 21.

All you have to do if look at the US Women National Team to realize that there is not one girl on it from Texas. You then will come to grips with the astronomical odds of your kid being the one that makes it. You also might realize that a fantastic relationship with that girl who will soon be a confident, independent young woman is far far more important. Decide to be a great sports parent!

Whos's David Beckham? George Brett wants respect for the sport? This is a guy who made it a habit to attack umpires.