Over-Involved sports Parent?

Well, darn it all, I'm Janie's Mom and I just figured out why she isn't getting playtime even though she's clearly the best Academy player in all of N. Texas! Sigh...on top of all the $ I already spend on soccer I now need to have some surgery but whatever it takes for my darling dd (BTW: I think the Mod needs to get on here because we aren't supposed to mentioned the names of players on the forum).

Both sides make good points on this and I don't believe either one is incorrect. Personally, I agree with many of the points that go99 makes, but that philosophy is more of the exception than the rule when it comes to "over involved parents."

It isn't the parent that knows how to approach the coach and ask valid questions or give valid opinions based on knowledge of the sport that gives parents a bad rap. From my experience most of those types of parents, while not being afraid to approach a coach or DOC, can live with the answer or opinion given back to them even if they don't agree with it.

It is the parents that "think" they know more than the coach (very few actually do) and try to force the coaches hand that cause the majority of the issues. These issues can be playing time, position, practice philosophy or overall strategy. YOU ARE an "over involved parent" if you think that just because you approach a coach or DOC about any of these items that they will automatically change them to suit your needs. Unfortunately these are the kids that change teams every year (parents decision) and develop a reputation that they didn't even create, their parents did.

If you have an issue, you are not over involved if you bring it up in a professional manner. You are over involved if you try and create drama amongst the other parents on the team, leave every time you don't get your way or think that somehow every coach is just out to get your daughter.

that is 100% correct. I do think you should be able to talk to a coach and he should be able to explain why thing are the way they are even when you don't agree. I don't think parents should try to sway or pressure a coach.

I had my older bb back in academy and I noticed that he was playing the entire game at RB. I asked the coach as I felt he was too small to have any longterm success in the position. He told me that he was one of the better players and very tough to get around. And as long as the team didn't get scored on they always had a chance to win. He said he also didn't see him as a defender but right now the team needed him there. At the end of the season he was moved into the attacking midfield and his increased ability to win ball made him a way better player. I then wrote to the DOC of the club about the situation and how I was wrong and the coach was right. We also know a kid who played with him. Was one of the best defenders in the age group. Just brilliant as a CB but dad has to have him at forward where he has continued to not shine. but he knows better than the multiple coaches who have all tried to put him there. So ask you coach questions, listen to his views on soccer, help him help your kid don't fight him. Not everything goes you or your childs way. Be able to accept that maybe you aren't right and your kid isn't perfect and don't just find the DOC when you are angry and think you are right. How about you find him occasionally when the coach is. We all like to hear a little praise every now and then. Coaches are no different.

Unfortunately these are the kids that change teams every year (parents decision) and develop a reputation that they didn't even create, their parents did.

amen to that, when i talk to parents who have been on 4 different teams in 4 years, i instantly put my guard up and the sign in my head flashes: crazy parent ahead-proceed with caution!

go99 wrote:

Xara wrote:

go99 wrote:being involved shows that you are interested in your kids sport. It has been my experience that the drop off soccer is an expensive babysitter kids do not do as well as the kids who's parents are at practice. Weather it's sports, hobbies, video games, or TV try to show some interest in the things that your kid enjoys. I am at practice as a sign of support. That what my kid does is important to me. I am also there to look out and protect my kid to make sure no lines are crossed.

Total B.S. I can sit here and point out the plethora of reasons why nearly every parent posting on here is too involved in their kid's sport, needs to let the coach do his job, should stop living vicariously through their offspring, and generally just needs to shut up on the sideline... but it's like trying to explain to a schizophrenic that the voices aren't real. As mentioned, most of you will one day look back on all of this and think to yourselves "What the hell was I thinking? How could I let something like a child's sport permeate my every thought and action?" And you'll wish you could somehow get the time back to use for more meaningful time with your children. Of course, there will be others who will never let go. They'll hover over their Pele-ettes until the little dynamoes quit soccer in high school around U14 or U15. History repeats itself.

My oldest isn't that old but he does play up with kids that age. He still goes out to kick the ball around with his old dad even though he is probably too good to be wasting time kicking with me. He still loves to take about the cool plays he did and hey did you see it when I did this or that. Nice try Xara but you know good and well parental envolvment is not the reason kids quit soccer. I do think the call for parents to pay and shut the hell up is usually followed by bad coaching. A good coach knows that an active participating parent is the best way to develope a kid. If mom and dad don't kick around or take him someplace to kick the ball around it doesn't matter how much coaching you do the kid will never be any good. You want a behavior reinforced mom and dad spend more time and have a bigger influence than you. Kid needs to put forth more effort? Again mom and dad. But the go away and don't look over my shoulder just trust that I know what I am doing is old school. Guess what coaches many parents have played soccer and have some idea of whats going on. So the question XARA is if you are a coach what are you trying to hide? If you are a parent and your DD says I am not playing because so and so is his favorite how do you know it's not true? If it's a bad fit, she isn't developing, coach is abusive, how do you know? you were too busy being uninvolved. With all of that of course there is a such thing as too much and if you have to do all the coaching then you should find another coach. Being mom and dad is way more fun

Not that much different than education.

go99 wrote:

Xara wrote:

go99 wrote:being involved shows that you are interested in your kids sport. It has been my experience that the drop off soccer is an expensive babysitter kids do not do as well as the kids who's parents are at practice. Weather it's sports, hobbies, video games, or TV try to show some interest in the things that your kid enjoys. I am at practice as a sign of support. That what my kid does is important to me. I am also there to look out and protect my kid to make sure no lines are crossed.

Total B.S. I can sit here and point out the plethora of reasons why nearly every parent posting on here is too involved in their kid's sport, needs to let the coach do his job, should stop living vicariously through their offspring, and generally just needs to shut up on the sideline... but it's like trying to explain to a schizophrenic that the voices aren't real. As mentioned, most of you will one day look back on all of this and think to yourselves "What the hell was I thinking? How could I let something like a child's sport permeate my every thought and action?" And you'll wish you could somehow get the time back to use for more meaningful time with your children. Of course, there will be others who will never let go. They'll hover over their Pele-ettes until the little dynamoes quit soccer in high school around U14 or U15. History repeats itself.

My oldest isn't that old but he does play up with kids that age. He still goes out to kick the ball around with his old dad even though he is probably too good to be wasting time kicking with me. He still loves to take about the cool plays he did and hey did you see it when I did this or that. Nice try Xara but you know good and well parental envolvment is not the reason kids quit soccer. I do think the call for parents to pay and shut the hell up is usually followed by bad coaching. A good coach knows that an active participating parent is the best way to develope a kid. If mom and dad don't kick around or take him someplace to kick the ball around it doesn't matter how much coaching you do the kid will never be any good. You want a behavior reinforced mom and dad spend more time and have a bigger influence than you. Kid needs to put forth more effort? Again mom and dad. But the go away and don't look over my shoulder just trust that I know what I am doing is old school. Guess what coaches many parents have played soccer and have some idea of whats going on. So the question XARA is if you are a coach what are you trying to hide? If you are a parent and your DD says I am not playing because so and so is his favorite how do you know it's not true? If it's a bad fit, she isn't developing, coach is abusive, how do you know? you were too busy being uninvolved. With all of that of course there is a such thing as too much and if you have to do all the coaching then you should find another coach. Being mom and dad is way more fun

Lots of questions. Where to begin but still, somehow keep it brief? First, I never indicated a parent should not attend any of the practices. The original post presented the question of attending all/most of the practices, if I'm not mistaken. That seems to describe you by your own admission. And the fact that you mentioned your daughter's sport as your own personal hobby just plain creeps me out. But I know your type. Even after you've figured out that the coach is not abusive, does not have favorites, is developing the players, et cetera; you'll still hover over your kid at every practice and game and rationalize it as you have so far. There's probably little anyone can say to sway you otherwise. Again, eventually (hopefully) you'll let little Suzy play her own sport while mom and dad get lives.

never mentioned anything about my daughters sport being my own personal hobby although I have played and do enjoy soccer. I would trade the hours of watching my kids enjoy themselves for anything in the world. I have been there for all the smiles, played with sore knees in 100 degrees because they asked, and been there for the tears and dissappointments. I have overheard the "over involved" parent tell someone my bb would not get on the team because he didn't get her son the ball. And then I was there when he cried because he didn't make it and he thought he played really well. I could tell him that he did play well and sometime there are other things (how would you know if you don't watch). I was also ther when the very next season they asked me to bring him to the team and HE refused. You can listen to people like Micheal Phelps talk about his mom and all of the practices and swim meets that "they" did. You call it over involved they call it their happy memories.

And the fact that you mentioned your daughter's sport as your own personal hobby just plain creeps me out.

actually that was me. soccer is my hobby and my kids play it. if that makes me creepy, guilty as charged. Give me the over involved parent as opposed to the parent whose kid is always late, has a flat size 5 ball instead of a 4,never comes to games and acts like it is all a big pain in the a$$.....

go99 wrote: I would trade the hours of watching my kids enjoy themselves for anything in the world.

So you'd trade all the time for anything in the world? How about 2 sticks of old gum....deal!

My kids play all sports, and I always giggle when parents tell me we aren't good parents as we are always pushing them to play and compete and spend lots of our free time getting somewhere and eating on the run. It is almost like we are doing something wrong keeping our kids active, like we would be better parents if we were giving them twinkies and letting them sit in front of the TV.

I remember one parent that had a boy on my son's rec team when they were young and they would lecture me (this was my oldest v their youngest) as not letting my kids be kids. Now my bb is a fit, confident teen with a good attitude, respectful, and a hard work ethic at school and sports and their son is a tubby, negative kid that spends all his time playing video games.

actually I had a coach call them daycare parents. It's a little time so they can drop them off and not have to deal with them. This coach said you can tell on the field too. Parents who are involved kids do better that apples to sports just as it does in school. And of course he had parents who were over the top too

silentparent wrote:And the fact that you mentioned your daughter's sport as your own personal hobby just plain creeps me out.

actually that was me. soccer is my hobby and my kids play it. if that makes me creepy, guilty as charged. Give me the over involved parent as opposed to the parent whose kid is always late, has a flat size 5 ball instead of a 4,never comes to games and acts like it is all a big pain in the a$$.....

The fact that you are involved in your DD's sport isn't what creeps me out about you

Blank77 wrote:

silentparent wrote:And the fact that you mentioned your daughter's sport as your own personal hobby just plain creeps me out.

actually that was me. soccer is my hobby and my kids play it. if that makes me creepy, guilty as charged. Give me the over involved parent as opposed to the parent whose kid is always late, has a flat size 5 ball instead of a 4,never comes to games and acts like it is all a big pain in the a$$.....

The fact that you are involved in your DD's sport isn't what creeps me out about you

could it be the fact that i don't have crazy bizarre avatars like...........you?

silentparent wrote:Unfortunately these are the kids that change teams every year (parents decision) and develop a reputation that they didn't even create, their parents did.

amen to that, when i talk to parents who have been on 4 different teams in 4 years, i instantly put my guard up and the sign in my head flashes: crazy parent ahead-proceed with caution!

I always find it comical when parents think others should be obligated to stay with a team/coach year in and year out. You don't keep the same teachers every year. You don't have the exact same class mates every year. If it is truly about development and learning, what's wrong with getting that training from as many coaches as possible?

It's true that the obsession peaks at 10 or 11 and dies down as the kids get older. Just look at this forum and the difference in the number of posts between the younger age groups and the older. It might be a little creepy to attend ALL of every single practice; but it also doesn't hurt to try to attend some now and then. I've heard a lot of parents complain that the coach should teach this and that during practice, when if they actually came to one, they would see what is being taught. They might also get some insight on why little Suzy doesn't get 100% playing time. Maybe she is the biggest goof off or laziest kid on the entire team. I guess it's just easier to dump and run and then blame the coach for your kid's lack of development.

I think that a little parent involement is needed, but there definatly a line that we need not cross! each parent will have to make that decision at some point. take in to consideration all the good points that have been presented and choose wisely!

Life is not always fair - sometimes Suzy gets more playing time than Janie because Suzy's mom is hotter and the coach is a horn-dog. sometimes you get a biased ref that should have gone ahead and just wore the other team's jersey. sometimes you get cut from the team. That stuff happens, unfortunately. As parents, we need to educate our children how to deal with the situation, rather than becoming child-like ourselves. (that part is really hard for me). Whether it means moving to another team, just keeping our mouths shut, etc. "change the things I can, accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference"..


Is TFC Larry Suzy's Coach?????