Struggling with this decision

Long time reader but first time posting. My kid really likes the girls on her team but all year long, I've noticed that she never starts and is getting less and less play time during games. I talked to the coach three times and he told me that all was well but that different kids fit different opponents better than others. When we play a really good team, she barely gets in for maybe five to ten minutes a half. When the score is close, she doesn't get in much either. If we are winning or losing by three goals, she will get 15 minutes in the second half. I don't know what to do because she seems happy, but this sure is expensive for how much playing time she is getting. I'm wondering if we should start looking around in June and maybe change teams. How important is it to be a starter and play most of the time? I don't think she will be good enough for college soccer but she might make her high school team. Is it better to get more play time on a lower team or is it better to be on a better team but sit on the bench a lot? I hear all the high school coaches all want Lake Highland players. I appreciate your perspectives. She is my oldest so this is really my first time with club soccer at the select level.

Thank you very much!!!

immediately start looking, your daughter is not in his plans and at best she will be a check for the coach to cash. Select is far worse than academy. coaches WILL lie even if they are nice guys, its the nature of the beast.start looking now!

singlemomofthree wrote: Is it better to get more play time on a lower team or is it better to be on a better team but sit on the bench a lot?

Yes. It's a game. You need to play.

silentparent wrote:immediately start looking, your daughter is not in his plans and at best she will be a check for the coach to cash. Select is far worse than academy. coaches WILL lie even if they are nice guys, its the nature of the beast.start looking now!

Best advice you will get.

silentparent wrote:immediately start looking, your daughter is not in his plans and at best she will be a check for the coach to cash. Select is far worse than academy. coaches WILL lie even if they are nice guys, its the nature of the beast.start looking now!

Kudos to you Silentparent, for not sugar coating the harsh truth. As much as we don't want to have to admit it, this type of behavior is the norm rather than the exception. I know, I know, some of you are going to say what do you expect, this is competitive sports. What happened to just being honest with people?

Being the counter to silent parent- is soccer more social for her, it is for some. Maybe she gets enough positives from social and team aspect and isn't worried about play time. Not everyone is a nut job (like me) about their DD's playing time!

Personally, I would find a team (even if PPL D2, hell even if it is rec) where she can play and learn the game. Unless she is given the chance to actual play and the confidence to not worry about getting the hook with every wrong decision, you will not know if she would grow as a player and she will end better in the long run.

If you are with a D1 team. Move her to a D2. If with a D2, move her to D3. Clearly she hasn't developed the way her coach had hoped. Sometimes it is a personality issue. Some coaches just don't like certain types of players. Doesn't mean she's not good enough. Some players feel more comfortable with a certain type of coaching style. Bottom line, top team on the bench or a lower group but with plenty of playing time. Your decision. Maybe after a year she can try out again, with a different coach of course.

What does SHE want to do? Does she like going to practice? Is SHE bothered by the playing time issue? At that age, mine was interested more in playing with friends than her soccer development...(imagine that).

If you sit with her and she really wants to play more, then you tell her that YOU are making the decision to move her, and SHE only has to tell you which team she wants to try out for. If you approach it correctly, then YOU become the bad guy in front of her friends for leaving the team and she doesn't take any blame for the decision. She gets the relief of moving on and can save face...

Sometimes a lateral move is successful. Just a change of scenery is warranted. If she has another friend or two on others teams, go check them out. Make her happy first.

Kids practice to get better. And they want to display their talents in the games. It's not that important to be a starter, but I am convinced that all players should play half (or more) of each game on average. If you consider a roster of 16, the math works out nicely. I wouldn't put a stop-watch to it in every situation, but is should be much more than what you're describing.

I've actually heard coaches assert that "development doesn't occur in games, it occurs in practices". What a load of b.s. That's just a way for a coach to excuse not playing the lower level players on his roster. If they were good enough to make the team, they should be good enough to be trusted in games.

Similarly, I hear parents all the time complain when a coach subs in a weaker player into an "important" game. What a bunch of prima donnas. There are people out there that truly believe winning is paramount at U11 and the coach should do nothing to jeopardize it. Makes me want to puke. Follow the advice of others on this issue and don't look back. Find a team that needs your daughter.

Xara wrote:Kids practice to get better. And they want to display their talents in the games. It's not that important to be a starter, but I am convinced that all players should play half (or more) of each game on average. If you consider a roster of 16, the math works out nicely. I wouldn't put a stop-watch to it in every situation, but is should be much more than what you're describing.

I've actually heard coaches assert that "development doesn't occur in games, it occurs in practices". What a load of b.s. That's just a way for a coach to excuse not playing the lower level players on his roster. If they were good enough to make the team, they should be good enough to be trusted in games.

Similarly, I hear parents all the time complain when a coach subs in a weaker player into an "important" game. What a bunch of prima donnas. There are people out there that truly believe winning is paramount at U11 and the coach should do nothing to jeopardize it. Makes me want to puke. Follow the advice of others on this issue and don't look back. Find a team that needs your daughter.

Some even believe that winning is paramount in early Academy years- ridiculous!

Take her to a new place where she'll be valued. It's important to know what your DD's goals are (fun, exercise, USWNT...) but this entire experience will be enhanced if she's treated with appreciation for her contributions. If she feels like a highly-valued member of a team, that will make her more excited than a player that gets minimum playtime.

The proof is in the pudding, you gave her coach a chance and this is how he used her. Next year will be more of the same. Dont fall for empty promises and dont wait til june. Ask for practice releases and get moving....

Hate to be the contrarian (actually I don't), but the decision should be hers. If she wants to stay, ask the coach for a brutal assessment of where she is and what she needs to get more PT in key game situations. Devise a plan, or ask the coach for help coming up with one to get her there. Then it's up to her to put in the work. It will be a struggle. It's very difficult changing the opinion of a coach once he/she has slotted your kid, and you should be upfront with her about how much harder she'll need to work. But if she is willing to do it, consider letting her stay and go through the experience. There are life lessons to be had no matter the outcome.

a coach does not OWE her playtime. It is earned and he feels she hasn't. Select soccer is not a social club it is a competitive enviornment. Now if she is trying to develope she could push hard and try to earn more time but if she just wants to enjoy and play then why bother just move to a place that she can play. It is really up to her and what she wants. But I agree this is too expensive for my kid to just kick their heels up, relax, and not play.

3-4-3 wrote:Hate to be the contrarian (actually I don't), but the decision should be hers. If she wants to stay, ask the coach for a brutal assessment of where she is what she needs to get more PT in key game situations. Devise a plan, or ask the coach for help coming up with one to get her there. Then it's up to her to put in the work. It will be a struggle, because it's very difficult changing the opinion of a coach once he/she has slotted your kid. You should be upfront with her about how much harder she'll need to work, but if she is willing to do it, I think you let her stay and go through the experience. There are life lessons there to be had no matter the outcome.

Usually, this is a waste of time. From what I have seen from most coaches is they are overly critical of their bench players. Waiting for any mistake, yelling loud so parents can here, and killing their confidence and making them hesitant, and on the girls they like let them play terrible and keep making the mistakes. Even if she works hard, this guy will probably always slot her as a bench player. Even if she improves, it is rare to get the opportunity to succeed. If she wants to play, split - if she wants to practice with her friends and watch them play in the game - stay.

Blank77 wrote:

3-4-3 wrote:Hate to be the contrarian (actually I don't), but the decision should be hers. If she wants to stay, ask the coach for a brutal assessment of where she is what she needs to get more PT in key game situations. Devise a plan, or ask the coach for help coming up with one to get her there. Then it's up to her to put in the work. It will be a struggle, because it's very difficult changing the opinion of a coach once he/she has slotted your kid. You should be upfront with her about how much harder she'll need to work, but if she is willing to do it, I think you let her stay and go through the experience. There are life lessons there to be had no matter the outcome.

Usually, this is a waste of time. From what I have seen from most coaches is they are overly critical of their bench players. Waiting for any mistake, yelling loud so parents can here, and killing their confidence and making them hesitant, and on the girls they like let them play terrible and keep making the mistakes. Even if she works hard, this guy will probably always slot her as a bench player. Even if she improves, it is rare to get the opportunity to succeed. If she wants to play, split - if she wants to practice with her friends and watch them play in the game - stay.

I completely disagree that it is her decision. Children dont know what best for them and tbey dont have the wisdom or maturity to make those decisions. They could stay there for years because they are afraid of trying something new, even if the new team is much more enjoyable to them. Also if she is ok watching the game, move to rec and save your hard earned money.Be a parent and parent....

ahh got it. So the bench players are the coaches fault. They put the kids on the bench because they don't LIKE them. A grown coach has nothing better to do in life but dislike a kid and put them on the field for a few minutes just so he can torment them.

Coaches mis judge talent all the time and are frequently wrong but from what I have seen a problem often comes because coaches have no personal stake in parents little angel that can do no wrong. Now where coaches go wrong is honesty. Had a boy coach tell me the hardest part and one thing he hated about the job is to go tell parents that their kid is not ready to play at this level. If a kid is not playing they should no why and what they need to do even if that is playing at a lower level.

Oh and the whole coach is destroying my confidence thing. Build you confidence on your ability not what others think of you

Blank77 wrote:

3-4-3 wrote:Hate to be the contrarian (actually I don't), but the decision should be hers. If she wants to stay, ask the coach for a brutal assessment of where she is what she needs to get more PT in key game situations. Devise a plan, or ask the coach for help coming up with one to get her there. Then it's up to her to put in the work. It will be a struggle, because it's very difficult changing the opinion of a coach once he/she has slotted your kid. You should be upfront with her about how much harder she'll need to work, but if she is willing to do it, I think you let her stay and go through the experience. There are life lessons there to be had no matter the outcome.

Usually, this is a waste of time. From what I have seen from most coaches is they are overly critical of their bench players. Waiting for any mistake, yelling loud so parents can here, and killing their confidence and making them hesitant, and on the girls they like let them play terrible and keep making the mistakes. Even if she works hard, this guy will probably always slot her as a bench player. Even if she improves, it is rare to get the opportunity to succeed. If she wants to play, split - if she wants to practice with her friends and watch them play in the game - stay.

I'm not going to disagree with this as I think in MOST cases it's true. A kid the coach believes often has leeway to play terrible for weeks on end...coach trusts she'll come around eventually. But if he's slotted her as bench, she'll need to be on fire. I've seen it on many teams, so no argument there.

To me it boils down to trust. Do you TRUST the coach has your DD's best interests at heart and can be fair? Any coach always has to put the team's interests first, but do you trust that if/when your kid becomes more of a team asset can coach give her what she's earned? Have you seen it happen with any others under this coach?

If you don't trust the coach, leave. But if you trust the coach's leadership, a lot can be learned from persevering through the difficult times instead of looking for the easiest path. Jumping ship to find an easier place teaches a life lesson too.

go99 wrote:ahh got it. So the bench players are the coaches fault. They put the kids on the bench because they don't LIKE them. A grown coach has nothing better to do in life but dislike a kid and put them on the field for a few minutes just so he can torment them.

Coaches mis judge talent all the time and are frequently wrong but from what I have seen a problem often comes because coaches have no personal stake in parents little angel that can do no wrong. Now where coaches go wrong is honesty. Had a boy coach tell me the hardest part and one thing he hated about the job is to go tell parents that their kid is not ready to play at this level. If a kid is not playing they should no why and what they need to do even if that is playing at a lower level.

Oh and the whole coach is destroying my confidence thing. Build you confidence on your ability not what others think of you

Funny how you think in most of your posts that coaches are incompetent but then do 180 to defend them when they shaft a kid for a check....nice

silentparent wrote:

Blank77 wrote:

3-4-3 wrote:Hate to be the contrarian (actually I don't), but the decision should be hers. If she wants to stay, ask the coach for a brutal assessment of where she is what she needs to get more PT in key game situations. Devise a plan, or ask the coach for help coming up with one to get her there. Then it's up to her to put in the work. It will be a struggle, because it's very difficult changing the opinion of a coach once he/she has slotted your kid. You should be upfront with her about how much harder she'll need to work, but if she is willing to do it, I think you let her stay and go through the experience. There are life lessons there to be had no matter the outcome.

Usually, this is a waste of time. From what I have seen from most coaches is they are overly critical of their bench players. Waiting for any mistake, yelling loud so parents can here, and killing their confidence and making them hesitant, and on the girls they like let them play terrible and keep making the mistakes. Even if she works hard, this guy will probably always slot her as a bench player. Even if she improves, it is rare to get the opportunity to succeed. If she wants to play, split - if she wants to practice with her friends and watch them play in the game - stay.

I completely disagree that it is her decision. Children dont know what best for them and tbey dont have the wisdom or maturity to make those decisions. They could stay there for years because they are afraid of trying something new, even if the new team is much more enjoyable to them. Also if she is ok watching the game, move to rec and save your hard earned money.Be a parent and parent....

Great advice!

silentparent wrote:

Blank77 wrote:

3-4-3 wrote:Hate to be the contrarian (actually I don't), but the decision should be hers. If she wants to stay, ask the coach for a brutal assessment of where she is what she needs to get more PT in key game situations. Devise a plan, or ask the coach for help coming up with one to get her there. Then it's up to her to put in the work. It will be a struggle, because it's very difficult changing the opinion of a coach once he/she has slotted your kid. You should be upfront with her about how much harder she'll need to work, but if she is willing to do it, I think you let her stay and go through the experience. There are life lessons there to be had no matter the outcome.

Usually, this is a waste of time. From what I have seen from most coaches is they are overly critical of their bench players. Waiting for any mistake, yelling loud so parents can here, and killing their confidence and making them hesitant, and on the girls they like let them play terrible and keep making the mistakes. Even if she works hard, this guy will probably always slot her as a bench player. Even if she improves, it is rare to get the opportunity to succeed. If she wants to play, split - if she wants to practice with her friends and watch them play in the game - stay.

I completely disagree that it is her decision. Children dont know what best for them and tbey dont have the wisdom or maturity to make those decisions. They could stay there for years because they are afraid of trying something new, even if the new team is much more enjoyable to them. Also if she is ok watching the game, move to rec and save your hard earned money.Be a parent and parent....

I agree it is not just her decision, unless she has $3k in her piggy bank to blow. You have to find out what SHE wants from soccer and then help her make the best decision to get what she wants.

getting less and less play time

This is the part that stands out to me. If she is a bench player but getting some decent time and is getting more time when the game/score warrants then maybe okay IF that's what she and you are happy with. But "less and less", that is what would make me seriously consider a change since you are paying $ and putting in lots of effort/time to watch her PLAY and enjoy. We have changed teams because my DD just wanted to try something new after several seasons with her former team. I was pretty reluctant because we liked the team she was on and also she played the whole game most of the time. But my DD still sees her old friends from time to time and now we have new friends and new parents we also like so your DD will adjust just fine if you decide to move her!

silentparent wrote:

go99 wrote:ahh got it. So the bench players are the coaches fault. They put the kids on the bench because they don't LIKE them. A grown coach has nothing better to do in life but dislike a kid and put them on the field for a few minutes just so he can torment them.

Coaches mis judge talent all the time and are frequently wrong but from what I have seen a problem often comes because coaches have no personal stake in parents little angel that can do no wrong. Now where coaches go wrong is honesty. Had a boy coach tell me the hardest part and one thing he hated about the job is to go tell parents that their kid is not ready to play at this level. If a kid is not playing they should no why and what they need to do even if that is playing at a lower level.

Oh and the whole coach is destroying my confidence thing. Build you confidence on your ability not what others think of you

Funny how you think in most of your posts that coaches are incompetent but then do 180 to defend them when they shaft a kid for a check....nice

Waaaay OFF Most coaches in NTX are completely incompetent I even said how they mis judge talent all the time(If her DD is small she is in trouble) Not playing a kid is not giving them the shaft. Not thinking a girl is good enough to help his team doesn't mean he hates her. So not defending the coach at all. Maybe the girl is good maybe she isn't (concerns me that she is happy and not playing). Maybe the coach is one of the rare good ones maybe he is clueless like the rest. But I would say I don't think he hates this girl and sits at home in evening thinking of ways to torment her. He seems to think she is lacking and doesn't have the coaching chops to articulate what the issue is. "Oh she is doing fine" then why isn't she playing should be the next question. "different players suit different teams" dude you are not alex fergusson and your tactics aren't that deep. Either he doesn't know why or doesn't have the guts to say. The one absolute is that if a kid isn't playing they should no exactly why. I would press him until I get a answer I can understand. Not what I want to hear but the truth. He does owe that to the kid even if she leaves

silentparent wrote:
I completely disagree that it is her decision. Children dont know what best for them and tbey dont have the wisdom or maturity to make those decisions. They could stay there for years because they are afraid of trying something new, even if the new team is much more enjoyable to them. Also if she is ok watching the game, move to rec and save your hard earned money.Be a parent and parent....

I agree children don't generally know what's best for them. But this is an elective activity, a privilege really. The kid is the one who will have to put in the work, so IMO they should have the decision. I'm speaking from experience having tried it both ways. This is an 02 thread, so we're talking about an 11-year-old. My DD is 12 and went through exact same thing last year.

She played about 50% all year before playing about 7 minutes in her u11 state cup final. She started and was yanked within the first 2 minutes. Played about 5 minutes in the second half. She was in tears afterwards, and I was furious. I wanted to move her ASAP. I just didn't think the coach valued my daughter because she didn't fit the mold of most his players. I thought she had played very well up to that point in the tournament, so in MY mind it was the coach sending us a message by not using her in the final. If it were up to me, she wouldn't have been there in the first place. But it wasn't up to me. It was her choice to be there, and up to that point we all felt it was a great choice. She didn't want to leave HER team, so we didn't make her.

I talked to coach and got his input on what she needed. She worked on those things, and she improved. She learned how to set a goal and go after it. We could've forced her to move to other teams that would've started her and played her near 100%. But no way would she have worked as hard to become a better player. Her coach eventually rewarded her improvement, and excepting a few injuries she went on to have a great second year of select.

Even if her work hadn't paid off on the field, I firmly believe she was better off for the experience either way. I'm not saying our experience is the norm, but I do think at 11, that's old enough to own it.

That is a great experience and the right decision for a girl who wants to get better. However, not every kid wants to work to improve. Some kids just want to have fun and play. Thats okay too. Thats why its important to find out what she wants (irrespective of the leave or stay) Then base the decision on that